How To Win At Hernia Repair

Warnings

• Much of this information will get into the "too much information" range, and you can't unhear it. So don't read this if you're not scheduled for hernia surgery, or you're going to be helping someone who is.
• I'm not a doctor. This is just a collection of my personal experiences.

Open procedure or laparoscopic procedure?

This is such an easy answer: laparoscopic. I've had both. With the open procedure, I was down for two weeks. I had to get help just to roll out of bed for days. With the laparoscopic repair, I was able to walk down to my basement the next day, under my own power! I stopped taking the pain medication the day after the surgery. Two days after, I was feeling almost totally normal. The difference is incredible! No stitches with the laparoscopic procedure; just three 1cm incisions that were closed up with Steri-Strips.

Problems and solutions

• Number one: NEVER EVER SNEEZE. When you feel one coming on, curl up into a ball and start rubbing your nose, or whatever you do to prevent the sneeze from happening. If it happens, it will cause you immense pain, which you will feel for days. A sneeze will make you tense up all your abs, which will pull on the mesh that was installed, and will put strain on the fasteners they used to put it in. You will scream.
• Number two: stool softener. (See what I did there?) Start taking it a day or two before your surgery. You don't realize how much you use your abs when you're on the toilet. And the pain medication they will give you will constipate you. Constipation means hard pushing when the medication wears off. Hard pushing plus surgery on your abdomen equals mega pain. Mega pain equals another scream. Don't over eat. What goes in must come out.
• When you're in bed and watching TV or movies, don't watch anything funny. Laughing hurts. Laughter is not the best medicine post-hernia repair.
• Learn to roll out of bed. Sitting up hurts. You can just throw one leg over the other, and let gravity pull you out. When you need to sit up, learn to lift yourself by putting your shoulders against the wall and ratcheting up with your arms.
• I had to sleep on my back the whole time. After a week, I could sleep on my side, but I had to stuff a pillow between my gut and the mattress. This minimized the tension on the opposite side of my belly.
• The day after the surgery, I tried to get up and move as much as I could, to keep from getting stiff, and to reestablish my range of moment. By day three, there were very few ways I could move that would hurt. Specifically any kind of twist would hurt.
• Other things that hurt:
  • Farting
  • Coughing